Another wave

I don’t know about anyone else who has received a finding like mine, but if they are anything like me, the feelings about it come in waves. There is no consistency. Just when I feel like I’m okay with it, I see, hear or think of something that brings back all the bad emotions, only worse.

Last night’s trigger

I’m a mom, and my older two are in university and writing their finals. Last night, I was sharing tea with my older daughter, and we were talking about an incident at her university where a student was followed home by a guy and had to run to the nearest building for help. We were discussing how frightening an experience that may have been, and I thought for a minute how I would feel if it had been one of my kids who had been in that situation.

I thought about how frightened I was be and also how angry at whoever it was that had hurt my child. I also thought about how terrible it would be for her.

Then it hit me. My biological mother may well have experienced something just as bad, and, truth be told, it was probably even worse. I can’t imagine what it would be like to have been assaulted by a member of her own fmaily. I know it sounds awful, but in some ways, I would rather believe she and a brother were innocently “exploring”, and it went too far. The other possibility is awful.

What was it like for her?

I feel terrible for what my biological mother may have gone through. When she found out she was pregnant, how did her mother react? If it was just consensual “exploration” with a brother, did the rest of her fmaily know the truth? What did they do when they found out that she was pregnant with me?

If she was being molested, did her mother know? Why didn’t she put a stop to it? How did she react when she found out what her son or husband had being doing? Their fmaily was really big, so I wonder how this impacted her siblings? Was she made to feel guilty and like it was her fault?

How would I feel?

After I went to be last night, I did a lot of thinking. How would I feel if it had been my daughter who became pregnant this way? How would I feel about the baby? I’d like to think I could somehow separate the child from their origin, but maybe I couldn’t? Would I be able to see or even think of them without the connection with how they came to be?

Reconciling ( sort of)

I plan on exploring the impact this #NPE finding has had on me as a person in a later post, so I’ll be brief on the topic.

Trying to reconcile who “I” am with how I came to be on this Earth is taking time. Intellectually, I know what happened to my biological mother isn’t my fault, but I can’t help feeling guilty. Quite frankly, it’s upsetting to know how much pain I caused for so many.

I know that, after a while, I’ll be okay with this, but it’s going to take some time.

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